How to Have a Good Death

Death is inevitable, but the fear of it originates from its unknown. Life and death are like two sides of a coin. By learning about death, we can better understand this essential process in life, and eliminate the fear it brings.

Imagine that you are approaching the end of your life. Your body is tired. You know you have to say goodbye to this world soon. But how? What will happen to us? How can we have a death that is peaceful and dignified?

Phoenix Ng established the Hong Kong Hospice Social Worker Society six years ago. The society aims to provide support for patients nearing the end of their lives and for bereaved individuals. Their goal is to “bring peace for both living and dead.”

Phoenix’s father passed away of cancer when he was 11 years old. It was not until he studied life and death education in Taiwan that he began to understand how painful the illness was for his father and why his father became easily upset and angry during that time. The regret of not having taken better care of his father drove him to work in hospice care.

While studying in Taiwan, he folded a box of origami stars and wrote his wish on one of the lucky stars: he wished to go back to the hospital where his father died and serve cancer patients there. He joined the Master of Social Work Programme at the Chinese University of Hong Kong, and after graduation, he found a job at the Hong Kong Anti-Cancer Society.

Many years later, he suddenly remembered the box of stars that he had forgotten and lost. He realised  that he had already achieved his dream. The  Hong Kong Anti-Cancer Society was converted from Nam Long Hospital, which was the hospital where his father had passed away. He feels like his father is  supporting him, and he appreciates being able to see traces of his life. This was his destiny.

When speaking with terminally-ill patients, he emphasised the importance of empathy. “Having someone listen and share the same feelings already relieves half of the pain,” Ng said. The most common emotion among patients is fear, so letting them talk about their fears is the first step to providing support. In their work, there are two principles that they must follow: they cannot give false hope and they cannot do harm. For example, instead  of saying, “Come on. You’ll be fine. Be positive,” they would say, “I understand. It’s difficult. I’m here for you.”

Here are some things you can say to people facing death in hospice care:

In his work, Ng is always cautious about making promises because he never knows when the ending moments will come. Giving false hope not only hurts patients, but also brings unbearable regret to workers. However, he has made a promise to drink and play Mahjong with the patients when they meet in another world. He believes that they will meet eventually. “Death is not the end,” Ng said.

Many people have left footprints on Ng’s heart. They come and go. Once, he celebrated a patient’s birthday and sent off a dying person from the same room in one day. These experiences make Ng treasure every moment spent with loved ones and appreciate every opportunity to say goodbye.

In his free time, Ng likes to paint and write. Watercolour spreads freely on paper, as a medium to tell unique and mysterious stories of what he sees, much like the traces of life.

Home death situations used to be common in Hong Kong. However, more are now choosing hospitals given their improved equipment and resources.  Also,  an apartment where someone died in would be labelled as a “haunted house”, which would affect the housing value.

More importantly, under the Coroners Ordinance, if a person dies  outside of a  hospital, the police must conduct an investigation to ensure that the cause of death is not suspicious, and if there are no reasonable arguments, the body would need to be autopsied. Chen Pui-hing, co-founder of  HOBBYHK and a funeral director who is dedicated to promoting dying in place in Hong Kong, said it’s the biggest reason why some people might think it’s illegal to die at home.

According to the Coroners Ordinance, if a patient was attended by a registered medical practitioner within 14 days before their death, and was able to get confirmation within 24 hours after death from a  practitioner that it was not an “unnatural death”, the patient can avoid investigation and autopsy procedures. The registered medical practitioner can issue a medical certificate of cause of death at the home for the deceased. Then the family of the deceased can take it to the Death Registries to issue a certification of death.

A study from the Chinese University of Hong Kong has shown that 30.8% of the 1067 participants they surveyed over the age of 30 expressed a desire to die at home. However, the study also revealed that as people got older, their willingness to die at home decreased. They stated that they “do not want to trouble the family” and there is a “lack of sufficient support at home.”

F uneral is just like a graduation ceremony for a whole life, everyone only has one,” Loeng Joek-laam, a funeral service worker said. 

Since Loeng was around 18 years old, she has been greatly interested in funeral-related work. She searched for relevant information on the Internet, and watched movies about funeral works. She would go to coffin shops or wait outside mortuaries to ask whether they were hiring. After graduating, she worked in a kindergarten for two years before finally getting a chance to enter the funeral industry and do what she really loved. 

The funeral service is a detail-oriented job, with different rituals and traditional rules that need to be followed. Loeing usually carries a small toolbox containing objects used in funerals for backup.  At first, Loeng’s mother thought it was ominous that her daughter brought funeral goods with her everywhere she went, but gradually she started to understand the nature of her job. When Loeng gets a new toolbox now, she would say, “Oh, your new box is so cute.”

Let’s take a look at what’s inside the box. Click the yellow dots to see more information.

T he game is part of Jeffy Chiu’s “Talk about Death” workshop on Life and Death Education. During the workshop, participants engage in a board game that prompts them to reflect on their life experiences and attitudes. After reviewing their past, participants choose three random numbers, each representing the age at which they went through at different stages of life, as shown in the game below.

Interestingly, as Chiu notes, individuals who know they are going to die soon often have lots to do, while those with decades of life ahead may lack specific plans or a sense of urgency. Chiu hopes that the topic of death doesn’t become taboo. Death is inevitable, and learning to treasure life and live without regret is a lesson we all must learn.

At the end of the workshop, Chiu would have every participant write down their funeral plan in a book called “In Case Memo”. The memo includes every detail, such as passwords for accounts and the choice of organ donation. Participants shared what kind of funeral they want. Although the memo has no legal effect, its purpose is to encourage people to think about their plan and discuss it with their family.

Chiu is 26 years old, he created a YouTube channel called “Death Institute” in 2022. He uses his free time to create videos about death-related knowledge and also holds activities about life and death education. The most viewed video on his channel is “What is death?” and the second most viewed is “What is unnatural death?”. Chiu believes that people lack knowledge about death because Chinese traditional culture sees it as a taboo or because many people simply think death is too far away to consider.

Phoenix Ng and Chen Pui-hing are both actively involved in life and death education in Hong Kong, but with different focuses. Phoenix holds workshops on relic conversion, in which he invites the bereaved to recreate an object with the relic of the deceased. Typically, they will convert clothing into a small bag or pillowcase. During the process of making these simple handicrafts, people get another chance to reflect upon their relationship with the deceased. Chen gives speeches in bookstores and schools to share his own experiences in his job and discuss home deaths in Hong Kong. They both understand how unpredictable and fragile life can be, and hope to help more people realise the beauty of life and treasure it.